THE ODDS ARE pretty good that most of us are hearing the terms “caregiver” and “caregiver support” more and more.
If you’re a veteran of these columns, you’ve certainly been hearing it since back before it was fashionable, but now everybody is hearing it all the time. How come?
Well, as usual, several reasons. Obviously people have been taking care of people they love for as long as there have been people. That isn’t news.
Actually, most of us grew up around it, lived around it or live around it now.
It wasn’t newsworthy; it was normal.
The natural cycle of life.
Then, people started living longer, so because we weren’t all dying on schedule from the things that used to kill us with a predictable degree of regularity, somebody had to provide the care we needed, so guess who that fell to?
Right. Family caregivers.
And because more and more of us are living longer and longer, that just naturally leads to more and more folks providing care, right?
Make sense so far? OK.
And while more and more of us are living longer and longer, and requiring some degree of care, people who are providing that care are providing it for longer periods of time — i.e., it isn’t just about caring for Mom for six to eight months; we could be talking years here.
For a lot of us, it isn’t just a matter of something that we have to figure out and do for a while; it can be something that we have to figure out and do for a long time.
That’s life-changing.
A lot of us didn’t even know we were caregivers.
We thought we were wives, husbands, daughters, grandsons, friends, ex-spouses … people who were just doing this because it was the right (and natural) thing to do.
Well, we were — we are — but here’s my operative definition for the term caregiver: A caregiver is somebody who is taking care of somebody who needs to be taken care of, whether they like it or not.
Yeah, right: That does sound a lot like you to you, doesn’t it? I know.
So, the reason we’re all hearing that phrase “caregiver support” so much is because there are a lot of us doing some pretty hard work 24/7, and if we get to the point where we can’t do it anymore, society has a big problem.
And I’ll tell you who else would have a big problem: that person we’ve been taking care of.
So if we all don’t find ways to take care of ourselves as we’re doing some of the hardest work there is, and if this whole culture doesn’t find ways to support all of us who are caregivers, thing are going to go to Handbasket Land real quick.
So, now that we all get it, think about this word “caregiver.” What picture do you see?
Right, the same picture that almost all of us saw: a gal, usually a wife/mother/daughter, being the angelic face of hard, dirty work.
And that’s actually pretty close to true, but the picture is changing.
Eight years ago, just 34 percent of caregivers were men.
Today, 40 percent of the 40 million Americans caring for a loved one are male.
So what? Fair question, because in a lot of ways, both genders say the same things about caregiving: They didn’t really have a lot of choice in the matter. Somebody had to do it, and she/he was the logical candidate.
Both are more prone to health problems and depression than folks who aren’t caregivers, and often they aren’t just helping with transportation and the finances; they’re helping with personal care.
Very personal care.
And that’s one of the two main differences between the genders when it comes to caregiving: Men are much more apt to be uncomfortable with hands-on, very personal care — especially if they’ve never been through the child-care trenches — and that’s stressful.
What’s the other? As if you didn’t know?
Allow me to speak as a male: We have a tendency to just hold “it” in.
Oh, sure, there are a few genetic anomalies among us who have enough sense to say that we’re stressed and overwhelmed and we need help, but most of us will just keep our mouths shut and carry on, whether that’s out of fear, ignorance, “macho” or years of role-modeling. On and on and on and … then one day, we melt down.
Agreed: That can happen to any caregiver, but I’m focusing on us males right now, because a lot of women are just inherently smarter — smart enough to speak up, smart enough to ask for help.
But us? No. We just soldier on, because … we’re tough.
OK, what if we were tough and smart? Maybe?
What if we were smart enough to call any of the numbers at the end of this column and say that we’re caregivers and we could use a little … backup (use any word you like, it doesn’t matter. They’ll figure it out).
What then? Would we be less?
Or would we be more, because we care that much about the person we’re caring for? We care enough to take care of ourselves.
I know: You’ll probably have to think about it, but keep these phone numbers. Just in case.
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Mark Harvey is director of Clallam/Jefferson Senior Information &Assistance, which operates through the Olympic Area Agency on Aging. He is also a member of the Community Advocates for Rural Elders partnership. He can be reached at 360-452-3221 (Port Angeles-Sequim), 360-385-2552 (Jefferson County) or 360-374-9496 (West End), or by emailing harvemb@dshs.wa.gov.
