THIS IS NORMALLY the time of the year when I’ve occasionally provided abnormal Christmas shopping lists for the errant gift-givers among us who, having an elder somewhere in their lives, are thrashing about trying to identify the “perfect gift” — and coming up empty.
I could do that, but I’ve been doing that for the better part of 16 years.
The fact is, I don’t have the foggiest idea what Mom, Grandpa or the 85-year-old next door might like for Christmas, or whatever your particular, current excuse for celebration might be.
If I knew that, I’d probably know a lot of other things that are considerably more globally significant, and thus would finally have achieved my true calling as Reigning Monarch.
But I don’t, so our current status as a republic remains, for the moment, relatively secure.
Elders worry
Here’s what I can do, though: I can tell you what many elders worry about and let you take it from there.
In my business, people spend a lot of time trying to figure out “what elders want,” assuming, I assume, that “elders” are an alien species whose mental machinations defy logic and interpretation, so let’s try something.
How do you want your life?
It doesn’t matter how old you are, were or want to be, just do this: Close your eyes and think about how you want your life to be when you’re 90.
OK, OK — get through the obvious fantasies of winning the lottery and living on a beautiful, semi-tropical beach, surrounded by servants of the applicable gender, ready, willing and able to do your bidding on a moment’s notice.
OK, are we past that? Good.
And are we past the one of being 25 years old again? Thank you.
Now, how do you want your life to be?
Right: Most of you came up with the same answer that I do.
I want my life to be pretty much more or less the same way it is now.
How tough was that?
And what we mean is that we want to be able to do what we can do now, in our own time and in our own way, in relative comfort and security, more or less.
We want to be independent and running our own lives, thank-you-very-much, and being able to contribute, to pay our own way (more or less) and not be “beholdin’ ” to anyone.
So, what does this abundant overstatement of the obvious have to do with Christmas shopping?
Well, if you know that about yourself, then you know it about any elder that you like (and, for that matter, probably some that you don’t like), so you can begin to think that way about the individual in question.
Elders are not all alike
Contrary to popular bureaucratic opinion, “elders” are not all alike.
Amazingly, they (we) don’t all believe or prefer the same things.
Thus, you’ll be forced to resort to actually knowing the particular person in question.
For instance, for some folks, nothing will make you feel more stupid or more hopelessly incompetent than trying to understand health insurance and/or the virtual vagaries of Medicare, never mind the cost.
Can you help with things?
Maybe you could help with that?
Or, maybe you could find help with that. (Hint: Yes, there is help available.)
Other folks worry about falling (a very smart thing to worry about) and not being able to get help for three to four days.
Some folks worry about how the yard or the outside of the house looks because they don’t want to embarrass themselves or their neighbors. Any ideas come to mind?
Some folks can handle pretty much everything, except … say, the vacuuming. Idea?
Some people would dress warmer and wear “smarter” shoes if they could afford them — or if they knew what “smarter” was.
Others don’t go out at night because they’re smart enough to know that they don’t drive as well at night, but that doesn’t mean there are never things they’d like to do at night.
Maybe they’re just gracious enough not to tell you what they are.
There are people who know they should give up driving and worry about it, but … then what?
Did you get confused?
OK, close your eyes and think about what you’d like your life to be like …
I could go on, but as an act of pre-Christmas mercy, I won’t.
Elders want to live own lives
People, regardless of how many years they’ve logged in, fear gross discomfort, loneliness, uselessness and incompetence, but most of all, they fear losing the ability to live their own lives.
Most of all, we fear losing the ability to live our own lives — just like you, just like me, just like “them.”
And we need to do more than just survive.
Need to contribute
We need to contribute, whether that’s a killer recipe for pumpkin pie or a timelier topic, such as how we survived the Depression (it doesn’t matter, just pick one).
In the end, it’s pretty unlikely that Pauline needs another commemorative plate for the parlor.
What she needs is to feel that she’s still a moving part in this machine we call life.
More or less.
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Mark Harvey is director of Clallam/Jefferson Senior Information & Assistance, which operates through the Olympic Area Agency on Aging. He is also a member of the Community Advocates for Rural Elders partnership. He can be reached at 360-452-3221 (Port Angeles-Sequim), 360-385-2552 (Jefferson County) or 360-374-9496 (West End), or by emailing harvemb@dshs.wa.gov.
