NOBODY WANTS TO be the guy with the lame Halloween costume.
Not only does it suggest a lack of creativity, it also torpedoes all conversation for the rest of the night.
If you have to spend more than one minute explaining what you’re supposed to be, you’ve failed miserably.
And if you show up to a party wearing the same costume as three other people, you’ve also failed miserably.
(Side note: The one exception to this is when two or three different girls each show up as a naughty “fill in the blank.” If some women want to use Halloween as an excuse to dress even skimpier than normal, who am I to object?)
Because I care so much about you, my dear Peninsulites, I have decided to come up with a few outdoor-themed costumes that could make you the life of the party.
At the very least, they could garner the attention of a certain naughty so-and-so.
And we all know what that leads to — rudderless chit chat that ultimately goes nowhere.
■ Spawning Salmon — As I noted in this column space a couple of weeks back, there are few things more repulsive-looking than a returning spawner.
In order to capture that haggard feel in human form, I suggest you go with something akin to the Mickey Rourke look.
Punch yourself in the face three or four times, throw a couple of frazzled fins on your back and ignore anything that doesn’t directly lead to an opportunity for procreation.
So, in essence, we’re talking about another Saturday night on the town.
■ Rocky Raccoon — The scourge of the streets of Port Angeles would definitely be a party favorite.
Throw some eye black around both eyes, attach a striped tail to your behind and some tiny, slightly threatening claws to your hands.
If you want to get real detailed, you could also cover your back in tire marks, signifying the road-kill corpses I see every other week.
Most of all, however, you must aggressively beg for any food you encounter.
(Another side note: If you live in deer-filled Port Townsend, you can basically replace all of the above with a Bambi getup and achieve the same effect.)
■ Pugetopolis Outdoor Yuppy — This one can be a bit expensive because of all the required accessories, but what’s a little cash compared to the admiration of others?
First, you must drive an eco-friendly SUV with a bike, surfboard, SUP paddleboard and/or kayak rack attached.
Second, you must adorn yourself in full North Face attire.
We’re talking North Face fleeces, pants, hats, gloves, backpacks and dog jackets.
Third, you must only consume things that are organic, free range, locally grown and/or possessing a low-carbon footprint.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, you must silently judge anyone who doesn’t do all of the above.
■ Meat fisherman — If recent news reports have any merit, then it’s safe to assume West Sound combat anglers believe the world is their toilet.
Cover yourself in treble hooks, camouflage and the scent of dead salmon and you’re on your way.
Also, keep a roll of toilet paper handy so that if you ever get the urge to take care of your business, you can do so on the premises (and, no, I don’t mean the bathroom.)
Unlike the yuppy costume, this one is easy on the wallet.
Unfortunately, you’ll also be the one being silently judged.
■ Sasquatch — An oldie, but always a goodie, nothing says trick or treat quite like a big, hairy ape-like costume.
Thanks to my family’s hirsute genetics, I wear one every day.
And it’s downright frightening.
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Matt Schubert is the outdoors and sports columnist for the Peninsula Daily News. His column regularly appears on Thursdays and Fridays. He can be reached at matt.schubert@peninsuladailynews.com.